Self-Care or Self-Harm
May 2022
My Reiki Master once said to me, "This world is a place of self-harm." When I sat back and thought about that for a while, I had to agree. A large majority of the population, including people that I know whether it be family, friends or through my work, actually DO self-harm regularly... I too can put my hand up and say I have been harmful towards myself many times, especially in my younger days before embarking on my healing path.
We are not talking about the kind of obvious self-harm here that a troubled person does to themselves with a razor blade. This is the kind of harm we do to ourselves all the time, knowingly or not. Think about it.. there are harmful foods, drinks and substances that we consume even though we are aware of the harmful long-term effects. There are the harmful thoughts and thinking patterns that we believe about ourselves that sabotage our happiness and progress. There are negative traits or patterns in the way that we behave that can be harmful, like overworking, over exercising or lack of, overeating or eating the wrong foods, lack of boundaries, self-respect....the list goes on.
I have noticed that a lot of people have a hard time prioritizing self-care, yet find it very easy to neglect their own needs - to self-harm. I feel this lack of self-care contributes to why so many of us are stressed, anxious, depressed, unhappy and even suffering with illness. Yet, often our go to fix to make us feel better when we are feeling this way is a short term fix that leads us to self harm even more...So why is this? Why do we have this natural disposition to neglect ourselves? Do we even know how to identify our basic self-care needs? Why do we have such a resistance to taking better care of ourselves?
Firstly, let me express that I spent quite a few years neglecting my own needs in an attempt to fit in and be liked, to be the best Mother, best partner, best friend, etc. I tended to put everyone else's needs first and had a hard time saying NO to people, especially the people I loved. I was a people pleaser I guess you could say, no boundaries. I thought I was being kind and earning peoples love and respect, but instead my kindness often got taken advantage of and taken for granted. I would then wind up stressed, overtired, resentful, with no time for myself and then seek comfort in the wrong things trying to feel better. I would often overeat or eat the wrong foods, drink and use other harmful means that were not good for me in order to sooth myself. So what changed?
The universe gave me the big kick up the bottom that I needed in order to change how I was treating myself...I got sick. So I then had no choice...I HAD to learn to care of myself better otherwise I was only going to get sicker and end up in hospital for a major operation. Sound familiar?
This cycle is going on all the time, although the ways in which each of us self-harm may be different and there's not always a physical illness as a result, but the lessons are there to learn none the less. Sometimes it can result in a mental health problem, an emotional breakdown, a spouse leaving, a job loss or other 'sledgehammers' that are designed to 'wake us up'. Sadly, not everyone see's these events in life as wake up calls, so they continue to live a life of self-harm, and ultimately suffer because of this. I believe a lot of this is to do with our upbringing, inherited habits and traits, along the conditioning of the wider world we live in, through advertising, schooling, and cultural pressures. All of which ultimately result in a lack connection to our true self and inability to know what is best for us.
Fortunately, the world is (slowly) evolving and more people are learning to tune into themselves and wake up to their self care needs, some lucky ones do not need the big sledgehammer approach, perhaps just a little tickle in the right direction...
Almost 10years on from my wake-up call, I have healed and learnt A LOT about myself and how to care for my own needs better. In doing so I am a happier, healthier person, and consider myself a better Mum, partner and friend, than when I was sacrificing my own needs. Of course, it's always an ongoing process and my needs change from day to day, so it is a constant process of remembering to check in with myself multiple times throughout the day. I make it my priority to minimise anything that is self-harming and promote self-caring on all levels – physically (body) -Mentally (Mind) and Spiritually/energetically (soul). I recommend you also consider this same approach. Perhaps you are great at eating well and exercising, but neglect your mental and spiritual needs? Or perhaps like I used to be, all 3 need some work?
I love to share the paths and tools that have helped me along the way, so I can help others to self-care instead of self-harm, helping them to live happier, healthier lives too. Imagine how much better the world would be if we all took better care of ourselves? If you are a parent who feels guilty for taking timeout for yourself, remember this... One of the best gifts you can give your children is for them to see you living your healthiest, happiest life. For they absorb everything their parents do, if they see you stressed and overworked, then it is likely they will become adults that are also stressed and overworked. If they see you taking good care of yourself and living a balanced life, then guess what...? I think you get the gist...
Some of us (like the old me) may have a lot of work to do in order to embody complete self-care for mind, body and soul, so much so that you have no idea where to start! Others may need just a little tweaking here and there. When I was at my worst, in order to turn my health around, my self-care and healing path became a full-time job! If you are suffering with an illness or serious health problem, then you too may need to consider making it a full-time commitment. It can be challenging, but so worth it when you start to feel better and heal!
Now my self-care routine has become habitual and its easier to stick to it and I instantly regret it if I don't! I considered listing examples of my own self-care needs here, but then had second thoughts... as it's quite a list, I could hear you all thinking "Wow, she's high maintenance!" Seriously though, it is time we all stop judging and neglecting ourselves and put an end to anything that is harming us and prioritize putting our own oxygen mask on first. This will not only benefit you, but everyone in your life also!
While I was journaling recently, I identified 6 STEPS that can help us take better care of our own needs:
Step 1: Learn to BE STILL and TUNE IN to Self - Find time to be alone and still for short periods every day. This is so important and a basic need for EVERYONE! How can you know your own needs if you never stop and check in? Now this can be challenging for some of us that have never stopped and sat with themselves before. It takes discipline and self-control. Meditation/breathing techniques can help you to do this and with practice it becomes golden! Over time, you will enter into a state of 'knowing' where you connect with the intuitive self, that is crying out for your attention. So many of us have lost connection with our true selves that we don't even know what our self-care needs are. Create space and timeout every day to just sit with yourself, (without distraction of screens of course) it could be 2-5mins multiple times a day, or 15-30mins once day, in time you will find the real 'you' again that knows exactly what you need. If your mind is too busy to connect to Self, you can use movement to get out of your head and back into your body and its needs. I find Yoga is excellent for this, but you might find other forms of movement beneficial. As long as it's mindful, using deep breaths and bringing you into the present moment it will help you. A fast walk where you are still worrying about everything going on the world is not going to get you out of your head! Be present with your breath and senses as you move. Make it a moving meditation.
Step 2: IDENTIFY your needs This is why I love to journal and make lists. Once you have connected to self, evaluate your routine and ask your inner Self what it needs to be balanced on all levels, Mind – Body – Spirit. Then enter into a state of LISTENING. You could get lots of things come through or just one thing. Once you have learnt what it is you need, write it down, or if you don't like writing, use a voice memo. Making a note of it will help you to remember and commit to the inner guidance. As you listen, if there is only silence, cherish it! Enjoy the peace and trust any messages from Self may come at other times or even through other avenues.Your list might be something like:
- I need to have 5 x alcohol free days a week.
- Have a long bath once a week
- Attend a Yoga class once a week
- Get a Massage or other form of therapy once a month
- Eat less refined sugar
- Read a spiritually uplift book 1 x month
Step 3: Put your new Self-Care needs into ACTION The human body thrives on routine, so get to know your basic daily needs, create a routine, start it and stay in control of it! An example of your daily needs could be as simple as:
- My Mind – Needs 10mins stillness every morning and evening and good quality sleep every night
- My Body – Needs 30mins of movement, healthy food/drinks and 2litres of water every day
- My Spirit/Soul - Needs connection to self through something creative every day
Whatever you have been guided to do, action your needs step by step starting with the simple things first, building your will power and self-control over time. If you are struggling to achieve any one of your needs, such as good nights sleep for example, seek help! Ask your inner self to guide you to the right help during your stillness time and keep open for what comes forward – you might just see a flyer on a notice board that has a course for what you need, or have someone mention a special therapist to you that sounds like the right person to help.
Step 4: Learn to EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS to others without fear of rejection or reaction. This can be hard for some of us and it takes courage to voice our own needs and say NO to what isn't serving us and let go of what is draining us. For others it can also be hard to say YES to what we know is best for us. Journaling again can help you find ways in which to communicate your needs in a detached way. Find the right moments when you will be heard, take a deep breath and speak with kindness. Most times your will find the person will support you in your choice, if they don't then it s not your problem - it is theirs.
Step 5: Learn to be COMFORTABLE with putting your needs first even if they DO cause a reaction or disappointment in others. It took me a while to learn this lesson – that we CAN NOT please everyone all the time! Not everyone is going to like you caring for yourself better, especially if you neglecting your needs has been of benefit to them. Be strong and set clear boundaries especially for those that take too much from you. What I have learnt is that if I have tuned into my needs and followed my inner compass, then it will also be of a higher benefit to them also. For example, perhaps taking 20mins to yourself in the morning, gives the other household members some experience in becoming more independent and less dependent on you. You also have more energy and love to give them throughout the rest of the day.
Step 6: Stay in control of your TIME and SELF-CARE ROUTINE The truth is no one else has control of your time – only you. How you get to spend your time every day is your choice. Even if you are at home with babies, you are in control of the routine and can take snippets of time to yourself when they are sleeping, instead of scrolling through social media or doing housework. If you are in a job or relationship that takes away your joy, then you are in control of walking away from that and starting over. Make your self-care a priority and everything else in your life will flow much better. Your routine will likely evolve and change over time as your needs change, but if you commit to your daily time alone for stillness, you will have a better chance at keeping the connection to Self from step 1, so you know how to adapt when imbalances occur.
All of the above can sound simple in theory but with the chaos of the modern world and our busy minds and lifestyles, it doesn't make it easy. Take it slowly, step by step, and congratulate yourself on the days when you have done well and achieved something good for yourself, no matter how small. Definitely, DO NOT give yourself a hard time when you have made a wrong choice or over done it and wound up going against your self-care plan. That is more self-harm! Forgive yourself, learn from your mistake and try better next time.
Remember this - Self-Care is not SELF-ISH. In Yoga this way of doing no harm to Self, is called AHIMSA. As you care for yourself better, you will naturally do less harm to others and mother earth and ultimately the whole world benefits! It's a WIN – WIN!
If you need help creating stillness in your mind and caring for yourself better, please reach out. I have wonderful tools and techniques that can help you. Visit www.suncoasthealingyoga.com for my list of services, classes, upcoming events and courses.